Tomorrow is April 1st- Shine ya eyes!!!

Today's Funny Conversation

My Friend - (Losing her mind because she wants to drive out from the parking lot of the wedding venue and there is a huge jeep blocking her...the heat is bad, we are tired, the bridal dance is on so MC can't announce yet for vehicle owner to repark ...we have gone manual asking people one on one if they parked the Acura jeep behind my friend's car. She then spots a guy drinking beer infront of one of them local joints close to the parking lot....(not even a wedding guest) and for whatever reason she walks over to him and asks him..."Sir please are you the one who parked the Acura Jeep over there?"

Man drinking beer; "Eh!.....Which one?"

My friend; "That one...that green one"

Man drinking beer; Looking very high and philosophical sorrounded by bottles of beer starts gesticulating and speaking loudly..."My dear you know I can't even afford that kind of car...."

My Friend; walking away speedily before he starts a conversation that might not end this year "Thank you sir.....it's ok....thank you sir"

Me; Lol!.....Crazy!!!.....both the asker and the askee!...just crazy...Lol!

Wait First

Dear Reader,

If you are just joining me on this page, welcome.

I am a compere...what some people refer to as MC....been doing this job for over 8 years and I do a great job....a trial will convince you. If you like what you read about me on this blog, please tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend about my services.

Please you people should read and populate me so I can be popular and make enough money to buy White Range Rover and have a beach house or two with lots of quad bikes and be a landlady at Banana Island and Asokoro, South Hampton etc. I would also like to go on spa dates and do a tummy tuck with 90210 level surgeons and laser surgery for my eyes and buy some bling for my mum and spray my dad with dollars.

Just kidding.....

I just want to express myself doing what I love to do and adding value to the world with the talent God has given me.

So be a friend..help a sister out will ya?

Friday event @ Marcopolo

So I told you my peeps that I had an event on Friday but couldn't speak much about it because it was a surprise and who knows, the one to be surprised (herein referred to as the "surprisee") may somehow have stumbled on this blog and the cat would have been let out of the bag....God forbid!


So it was a sendforth shindig at Marcopolo chinese restaraunt @ VI, Lagos and I was contracted to be the compere. There was so much excitement and the clients actually specified right down to my dress code.


Twas fun, we had a blast - a great combination of laughter and tears.


I had fun doing it because the "surprisee" is actually a wonderful lady  plus there was plenty of content to play around with because yours truly has done so many of such things, I actually have a rich program line up for send forths now.


As far as surprise parties and sendforths go .....I am a rockstar...and this was no exception.


My clients sent me a text this morning and I was amazed because I didnt even think much of my performance but they said I made it special. That made me walk in a cloud..... until my children woke up and brought me down to earth.


So there were some upcoming photographers there; the elitist type...you know the ones who are doing it as a hobby but have all the latest gadgets at their disposal?


Yes! they were there in their tens and they took shots  of lovely me which I will upload as soon as I get them via mail.

Hurray for Funke Bucknor- Obruthe!!

Incase you have not heard, the leading lady of event management in Nigeria has finally released a book called "The Essential Bridal Handbook" read all about it HERE

Congrats Maam.

I can bet my next cheque that it was not easy but once again, you have raised the bar.

More flowers to your decor, more credit alerts to you.

Thank you for following your dreams and passion to the point where it opened up a whole new industry, source of revenue and employment in Nigeria

God bless you

White Carpet Pics

Twas a wedding and the bride came up with the concept of a "white carpet".
Funke Bucknor (Zapphaire events) designed the lovely photo booth and yours truly was called in to handle the white carpet/photo booth.
Wedding was at Oriental Hotel, Lagos and was of platinum standards. Top notch all the way.

Interviewing Mr. & Mrs. Femi Tejuosho. She made the wedding Cake Oh ...Breathtaking!

Interviewing Aunty Adesua Onyenokwe

Interviewing Sir Steve Omojafor (Chairman Zenith Bank)

Interviewing Julius Agwu...He was the event compere

Yay! Over 1000 Views

Hi people, it’s been a hectic weekend.....one event after another …..I hosted one, while at the others, I rolled my eyes at the wanna be comperes...Lol!

In the meantime, I noticed that my blog hit the 1000 views mark on Thursday night and not just that, I applied to Uncle Google and he has found my blog worthy to get online advert placements.

So I’m feeling very blessed.

I postponed this blog thing for ages, I heard it will cost me some hundreds of thousands but thanks to tips from my friend Natural Nigerian and some God given grace and determination to my humble self, I sat down one day and set up the blog by myself and I'm grateful to God that its going well.

Thank you to you readers and everyone who has put the link on their FB pages and BB status or referred someone to check the link.

God bless you and help you publicize your dreams too.

Gist and pictures coming up in a bit

Embracing Change

I used to hate taking pictures and when I was forced to enter a group picture, I was always the one at the back with spectacles peeking over the tallest person's shoulders.

My dear father brought this to my attention several times. I had my reasons, didn’t like myself, didn't like my clothes, didn't like my glasses, didn't like my smile and maybe I didn't even like the people in the picture...lol!

The interesting thing is that I didn't even know why at the time, I just knew I didn’t like taking pictures, never bothered to examine why.

I was suffering from what I now refer to as photophobiapathy but I have changed....Ok not entirely, I am changing.

Becoming a compere and growing in the profession changed that for me.

Vanity has become my new modesty.

Now I absolutely love to dress up and I’m happy when i see my pictures however I confess I’m still largely a lazy, casual dresser on an average day when I’m not headed for an event and this is for good reasons.

You see I’m HOT! As in all them Beyonce, Jlo, Rihanna, Kim K and co ain't got a thing on me and I just fear that if I unleash my full beauty to the world daily, it might be too distracting.

There are already too many accidents, power cuts, network issues and general distractions in the world so I save the beauty for events when it adds to the ambience and general decor of the event.

Secondly, “glamming”up takes time....there’s a lot of painting, brushing then there’s air brushing and many other general "ings" involved....ehm....on an average day I don't have that kind of time.

It's almost annoying to see people spend all that time on them selves daily… I was advised by my well meaning image and beauty consultants that it’s called a beauty routine….. So I am changing.

It’s been a journey and I have pictures to show you what I am saying so keep checking the blog for when I will be daring enough to expose how I used to look back in the days.

Have I told you I am changing?.....I now have contact lenses in various tones and pantones * batting eyelids fervently* I use seasoned professional stylists, makeup artistes, have like 6 different designers and 3 tailors (that’s your business!!!) and generally put in more effort cos life has taught me that people take you more seriously when you care about how you look.

The "vainer" you are the better for you in this wicked world....*sigh*.

I have seen it firsthand so many times.

Even God said man looks at the outward appearance and He didn’t comment further on whether this was a good thing or a bad thing He just went ahead to say that He is different (this was in the bible…..1^stSamuel 16…. for those of you who are about to ask me for His BB pin)....so I had to advice myself.

I’m just building a foundation so that when the pictures start coming you won't say I didn’t warn you ;)

Have a good evening people ......my 9 month old wants to finally throw away this laptop that is competing for my attention so I have to go.

....it's been real.

Bad News

Tried uploading some pictures from an event where I handled the "white carpet" but my enemy's network is slow...Lol!

Till tomorrow then... though I have an event tomorrow...can't speak too much about it now but will give full gist tomorrow and I hope they have a Harvard trained photographer who will help me get some good shots of my overwhelmingly gorgeous self so I can share with y’all.

Quotable Quote

"God cannot Omega what he has not Alpha"..... a certain Joseph. G. Umaru (as seen on his facebook post)

I sense he was thinking in ibo when he wrote this ....it makes sense in ibo.

Dear Chigo

Dear Chigo,

See me see trouble; I am a single working girl in a good multinational. However I have responsibilities you know....like I am the first daughter of my parents and we are many so it comes with its own challenges.

So there is this guy –we grew up together and he is into music and stuff like that. He is always asking me for money.

I have tried everything to avoid him but he is getting more persistent, begging me, asking me for money for the craziest things  from pimping his ride to changing furniture to haircut oh....and we are not dating, neither has there ever been anything between us.

He doesn’t care how I fare or my own responsibilities. I am tired what do you think I should do?

Chigo says: Awww dear, tell you what, anytime you get vacancy notifications, forward them to him. If he asks why and even dares mention that you know he is doing music bla bla bla...tell him to get a job that can pay his bills while he is till trying to make ends meet.

Teach him how to catch his own fish and leave your's alone. 

Sorry my dear, you deserve better. *long hiss*

Quotable quotes

One particular 4 year old prayed;

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets"


Chigo says....The prayer makes sense to me.

DP of an angry co-worker



My Ad- where else to start placing it but on me blog *Irish accent*

One happy day

The pictures are old please. 
I'm way hotter now if i may say so myself...lol at least that's what my Pdoc told me *grinning foolishly*




Sometimes you gat to do what you gat to do to get there on time

Pushes and Urges vs 2...Hours Later (see vs 1 below)

…..Apparently, it was a stubborn vegetable in the herbal tea because after two hours of my shameful escapade in the center of the office alas the urge began to push me again. I will not be defeated this time so I wait and I closely monitor the lavatory in the meeting room near the entrance…why this one? Yes! Because it is hidden inside another room which is empty and therefore nobody will hear and nobody will see me come out from there when I am through.

 Oh I am sharp! I am so sharp! Indeed I am too sharp. So I wait…nobody left, nobody right that’s it. Oh here’s a copy of today’s paper…ATIKU rejected by INEC! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect companion for the moment….Ah yes! This is the life. Click! The door is shut; the moment is right …that’s my girl. Yes! Touch down…

 Ah! Ha!  But who are those….. What? ….No it is not possible! This can’t be happening! Oh God! I am trying here …..Who did I offend? What is my crime? An oyibo man is coming into the meeting room…..wait a minute… 2,3,4,5…this is not happening .JESUS CHRIST! It is those people from Amsterdam…

They want to have a meeting…what’s that? My HOD! Oh my God …quick, a window? another door? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Bad Market! Bad market! This is not …that’s it… gently, gently, gently, OH God No! You know what switch on the tap, switch on the shower and switch on the hand dryer again…I’m finished I will never ever do this to myself again. Seriously! I am going on drugs full time Flagyl, tetracycline, talazo and whatever else I can afford. …I have a big bag I can make room.

It’s over…silence! To come out or not to come out? Can I stand the shame, the headlines, and the disgrace? Ok yes the newspaper… ah yes! The news paper by the time I read every dot they will be through with their meeting. They will not know who was in here. Knock! Knock! You are wasting your time….”please continue with your meeting I will soon be out”.

….Cartoon section… back page, I never knew sports was this interesting. What’s that? They are still here Damn it! This is not happening to me! Lagos big girl! No I am not going out like that.
Is that my phone ringing in the distance? Its twelve o clock and this chic owing me money said she will be here by twelve. Oh my grandmother I call upon you again with help me out….. …that’s it tiger, courage, courage, courage!

Square those shoulders girl; head held high, steady on, everybody does it….. It could be anyone…even … …oh what the heck I’m coming out and I’m coming out in style.

I open the door, silence. All eyes…newspaper safely tucked under my arm I muster all the dignity in Nigeria and indeed west Africa and I speak…. “Good afternoon all”

…Alas I have to maneuver the seats….. As if I don’t have enough problems… “Excuse me, excuse me excuse me”. My HOD glares at me…that is his problem, this is not a performance issue and if he brings that leg I will tell him I am entitled to one hour break and I can spend it wherever I want; cafeteria, shopping or  just hanging out with Atiku in a good hidden toilet.

 It’s over Editor, no more herbal tea for me I am sticking to low carbs, exercise and all those other healthy stuff. Wait a minute is that Amala and Egusi soup? Oh they even have fried chicken today. Very good! I am here for you baby, bring it on! Hmm…. fried plantains…. not a bad idea for dessert… ok here we go…I REBUKE YOU SATAN! If they sent you tell them you did not see me... please cafeteria boy give me half a portion of steamed rice with boiled fish …no soft drink as usual, just give me water !Thank you... Good day! Where is my seat? Peace at last.

Pushes and Urges vs 1...True story Oh

16^th March 2007 yet another unforgettable day in my world.

 My dear editor you see, the life of a young woman these days can be quite scientific and technical indeed. Amongst several challenges I have to watch my weight and as one of the crash measures to control it, I drink herbal tea to cleanse my system and sometimes the herbal tea goes beyond cleansing …it “purges”!

 Hence yours truly sometimes seeks herbal tea as an option after the cakes, creams and a little too much sweet nonsense in a day or two.

 Now, the herbal tea programme has a scientific angle to it, you take it and give your system some hours and by my calculations on the particular evening before the 16^th of March 2007, the effect should have kicked in by the following morning; 5.am sharp!

 An hour when I planned to have been safe and free in the confines of my lavatory at home where freedom reigned and no one cared.

 However …disaster struck when least expected !…..5am…no urge…6 am …about to leave the door…still no urge…..8.30am in the mad traffic of CMS/V I, at the back of a taxi, sweating like a Christmas turkey-fresh out of the oven, what do I have?…The long awaited URGE!!!!

 At this point, it came to mind that the word purge could have been gotten from a seamless combination of push and urge.  

 Finally the cab drops me in front of my office and I pay him (though tempted to run and scream “keep the change”, I mentally calculate the balance in my bank account and decide that in this particular case patience would be a virtue)

 So I wait for the man to bring out my change from inside the knickers, inside the knickers, inside the knickers of his trousers! Wishing I didn’t have to touch the money, I not only touch it, I put it in my bag and plan to use it later to pay for a very rich lunch at the coffee cell.

 I then enter my office building with all the zeal in the world.

 A perfect picture of a busy soldier with a deadline to catch…I remember thinking…

 “My boss will be so proud to see my zeal to report to duty today as opposed to my usual lazy swagger on a good day”.

 Thus I rush into the lift and enter my wing and head straight for my space and drop my stuff….Yes!

Toilets, toilets, where are the toilets?

Ah ha! The private ones near the entrance...Oh yes!  Number one... locked! Number two... Just occupied! Oh my God that one is open but its right in the middle of the office space!

 Everyone sees me enter including one of my many bosses. I shut the door, click! And settle down on the seat of my latest joy. Ok get it together, get it together, you can do this just calm down. I borrow some calm from the air around me and I begin to push the urge.

 Its going very well trickles in silence yes that’s it Oh my God… Please be quiet…shhh! Oh my God! Did they hear that one? Oh I am never coming out of here…what’s that …another one? It’s not possible… who send me drink herbal tea? …oh who send me….How many times do I have to tell you young lady? Big is beautiful! Oh… Big is beautiful! Quick, what to do, what to do …oh, Yes! Turn on the tap, turn on the shower, the hand dryer everything that can cover the sounds oh dear girl…turn them on! And ten years later it was over and there was silence.

 I borrowed some dignity from my late grandmother the most elegant maiden in my village back in the day…and proceeded to come out from my closet…everyone stared at me…is that respect I see in their eyes? What’s that? Disdain? Excuse me I can’t possibly be the only one this happens to duh! I take a seat and say to myself “I will not let Herbal tea ruin my reputation”. I am a big girl…toilet catastrophe or not.

7 Speedy and Easy weight loss tips

What’s up? You fat? Struggling to lose weight?

 Are you one of those people who love food but you have lost your joy because all your best things have been taken from you with a diet plan?

Tired of various colours of liquid shakes and counting those little rascals called calories?

Look no further, Chigo has the plan...it is revolutionary, tested and trusted with hard facts from renowned motivational and self help theories to back them up.

1.      If you can think it/dream it -you can achieve it...so always see yourself in a slimmer version. Your clothes may not cooperate at first but keep dreaming. Dreams come true...Look at Disneyland...it all started with a dream.

2.      There is power in your confession....so repeat after me emphatically....I CAN NEVER BE FAT...then...I CAN NOT BE FAT...keep repeating.....that’s the spirit! Now watch yourself commence shrinking.

3.      See yourself doing those things you desire to do and soon you will get results. So if your lifestyle does not allow you the right to exercise right now then don’t fret. When you wake up in the morning just imagine yourself jogging a mile thrice a week, then at other times; swimming and oh there’s tennis and sit ups......It’s amazing, the fat just falls off.

4.       Resist the urge to THINK BIG when it comes to your weight  please...Think small, little, miniature...in fact think midget....the bigger your live size, the smaller you should think. That’s how to do it, trust me.

5.      Sow a seed into a life that has what you desire and soon you will reap a hundred fold.....move your cash to the slimmest person you can find NOW! The more desperate you are, the more the zeros on the seed.

6.      Be thankful and always see the cup as half full. Appreciate the fact that you carry a presence, you are a force to reckon with and nobody can say they did not see you coming, standing or sitting. These are real life challenges for somebody, somewhere. So be thankful and eventually everything will be all right

7.      Finally, God will do it...hold on tight

See you at the TOP....of the bathroom scale!

Random Thoughts

Hmmm someone told me today that every time we use the elevator, we burn a generator somewhere so if we have the welfare of the environment at heart, we should use the stairs. This is in addition to using the stairs being good exercise...so  I have made a pact with the environment to always use the stairs when going downstairs however *clearing throat* coming up the stairs will wait a while until the environment shows me some improvement based on my initial efforts.

Speaking of the environment........

Saw a beautiful M class Mercedes Benz with customized plates speed past me this morning and before I could say nice car, the windows came down and whoever was in the “owner’s corner” threw out a  chunk of paper to the very smooth and clean Ikoyi road (even if it was not in Ikoyi!!).....what a challenge....to be in a classy car and yet possess no class!  

Please sir/madam stop contributing to the floods in Lagos, some people do not have the luxury of a high car or any car at all when the floods come.

Thank you

And yes, about the floods...

I was moderating a married couples’ event last weekend and I asked a guy how his marriage of over 10 years has been. His response was that it has been like Lagos roads, lots of potholes but some are undergoing repairs. Hilarious!

Thank God he didn’t say it has been like Abia state roads where erosion has rendered them useless. May all your marriages be like Abuja roads, Kaduna roads and Kano roads. .....without the boko haram“minefields” of course. Amen

Range Rover

*Sigh*

I keep seeing this car in my dreams..this colour, this spec......Is God..... the good Lord, trying to tell me something?....Lol!.
...Make una no fear.

..But on a more serious note,there are so many Range Rovers on the streets of Lagos, Abuja, Warri, PH etc these days.

What is really going on?

Am I missing something?

Is this car not expensive like that again....is it beans?

What of Fuel? Can it move on 1,500 Naira for a week?

What's going on?

Nigerians are rich meeen....what's with the poverty documentaries BBC? Take a hint...

Oga Cosmas I hail Oh...Ya prayers are working. Please come and manage me sir whether ya clients shall be my clients even as ya God is already my God....It is well.

Letter to the Bride & Groom "to be"

Dear Bride and Groom "to be",

Congratulations.

I am so happy for you.

Long live your love as you plan your big day.

Please accept my best wishes as you find below a list of weird things that happen at Nigerian weddings that you might need to proactively take a decision on and agree on the way forward before the matter progresses into a mini world war II with implications far reaching even after the birth of your 3^rd child.

1. Who are the real celebrants; you (wide eyed, young couple) or ya parents (....words fail me because my mother may read this...she had a mother of the bride shower which she threw for herself on the eve of my wedding while I was alone in front of the TV....Let me not discuss the dance to the high table which was longer than the entire wedding put together minus the one she danced during "offering time" at the church)

2. If you decide that you are the real celebrants, how many people do you really want to be at this party? As in can your mum/mother in law share photocopies of your wedding IVs? Even after you have allocated 100“originals” to her? Can she go ahead to commission a bulk SMS push to people even in the village who do not know your complexion, shape or voice?

3. This High table matter! How do you want it? Or .....not want it?....And there is the matter of the life bringing Kolanuts which do not speak English by the way.

4. Who is going to be MR. Chairman? What is his real work? Do you really need one? And if you do, are you planning on listening to his speech or is the general plan to actually torture the guests with his long speech and fervent prayers which keep referring to what the priest or pastor said in church?

5. The friends in “Aso ebi” who will dance in with you; can your closest friend also allow the ones who have only deposited some cash to dance with you? What about those who are still owing and those who are well known to owe for "Aso ebi" as a calling...(whom you swore you would never enter their trap) but somehow they still managed to get the fabric?

6. Is it a DJ matter or a live band matter? Or are you using both? Whichever way you are towing? Can you ensure that all the songs can work for dancing so your uncles will not be going to the music stand frequently to scream at the top of their voices...... “give them a danceable song, a danceable song!”

7. If a live band will be at this wedding, will you hire a proper wedding band that will bill you accordingly and concentrate on celebrating your love via music or a band that for whatever reason will spend more time singing the praises of everyone else....(especially when the persons flash 1000 Naira bills or foreign currency).... in the anticipation that these persons can remember to rain some of the cash on them as well?

8. This venue decor matter....Is it to make the venue look better and more appealing to the physical eye and in pictures?..... or to totally transform the venue and create a whole new ambience?...... or is it to show people that you have arrived and can afford to display all the possible decor themes known to man in one space?

9. About the 4 to 6 tiered cakes; are you ok with the matured uncles and aunty “observers” who manage to see and predict your entire future just by watching both of you cut the cake on that day?

10. Which refreshments philosophy do you want to subscribe to for this big day? There are several; some are even designed to torture the guests especially if they are your uncles and aunties who never thought this day will come.

      Food philosophies are as follows :

a) Don’t start serving food and drinks early or else people will go early after all everybody knows that before you go for a wedding you should eat well.

b) Food and drinks do not have to reach everybody just ensure it is visible to all. Just because the rice or wine did not reach them does not mean there was no rice or wine at the party O jare!

c) Pre plan and pay for food and drinks per expected number of guests and appoint people per the various sects represented (family, work, friends etc) to guide the service guys and gals

d) Buffet! Buffet! Buffet! Minimum of 2 serving points per venue.

11. Are you going to make souvenirs/party favours/keepsakes? If yes, what kind? Plenty of the usual stuff which will end up as clutter that people feel too guilty to throw away or something different and actually useful to people long after the day?

12. When it is time for exchange of gifts after the dance, should the guests form a long American Embassy type queue with their gifts held out submissively in exchange for a royal handshake from you the scared groom (because people are wicked and they want to kill you on this day) and the blushing bride (usually confused on whether to stand or sit, courtesy or bow at this point in the event) or would you prefer a well coordinated gift stand and enough souvenirs to be shared to all...whether they bring gifts or not?

13. This Dance! Dance! Dance! matter and the concomitant spraying. Do you have a target amount you want to dance for or are we working with a time frame? This will determine the number and size of polythene bags, plastic buckets or sacks that all your single, pretty, female relatives and friends will use to grudgingly squat to pack the money with as they adjust their strapless shinning dresses and squirm in their matching stilettos and long weaves.

Finally are you planning to spend all that money on everything else and then get a tacky, native soup - meat tearing finger licking during the event, dry and over told jokes about poverty cracking, worrisome looking, less than competent MC

 Or

Are you going to call a

Classy. Hilarious. Innovative. Gorgeous.Original

Compere in the "persona grata" of moi on 08022228091 to tie it all up nicely for you...hijacked day by your parents or NOT!?

Wise Crack

An upcoming photographer was invited to dinner with a bride’s family and he took along a few pictures to show the mother of the bride.

She looked at the photos and commented

“These are very good! You must have a  very good camera”

He didn’t make any comment. As he was leaving to go home, he said

“That was a really delicious meal, you must have some very good pots.”

Touché

He got the job!

Random Chigolicious moments

Twas a women's event @ 4 points by Sheraton, Lagos,Nigeria in 2011

With Yinka Davies after the event...she was impressed..1st meeting

*sigh* I have some regrets in my young life and one of them is my failure to take pictures with celebrities and popular figures when i meet them and trust me i have met plenty.

Maybe it was superiority complex or *cough* cough* inferiority complex but I missed some great opportunities.

Some were so impressed with me and wanted to be friends and I don't know, maybe because i was shy or I didn't want to appear over enthusiastic or it was just plain old foolish Naija snobbish, meaningless, useless pride....I ran away.

I regret that because i have met and worked closely on some projects with some really great people.

People that if I had put up my pictures with them on this blog, you guys would have respected me more....Lol.

And so dear friends this is the disease condition i referred to as celebphobiapathy! O ga ju!

However it's a new day and God has delivered me. Halleluyah!

I got healed sometime last year, about the time I met Yinka at this event and I’m getting better with each passing day.

So you guys watch out! Obama, Madiba...you guys are next on my wall.

Happy New Week

The last week in the month of March.

 The last week in the 1^st quarter of 2012 ...how time flies!

So have you achieved anything yet this year?.....

Laugh Out Loud

Battle of the Sexes

HER DIARY

Day night, I thought he was acting weird.

We made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee.

 I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

 On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.

 Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

 I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today Arsenal lost the football match against Barcelona.

DAMN IT!

CHIGO’s comment:

RUBBBBIIIISSHHHH!!….COULDN’T HE HAVE SAID SOMETHING??

NEVER AGAIN

 In August 2008, I was contracted for a wedding. I drove out of my house and when I got to the main road, there was heavy traffic.

I went back home, dropped the car, crossed the express road and took a cab.

The journey was going well until my phone started ringing.

Reception was about to start and where was I? Still quite far!

Got out of the cab and hailed a bike which took me to a certain extent till he could go no longer and then I hailed another bike. I got to the venue and was shocked to find that the parents had been called to the high table and couple was dancing in.

I ran to my place on stage and took the microphone from whoever…I can’t remember.

Then I quickly asked for the guest list for recognition and I was given two full sheets of paper and once the couple were settled, I began to announce names …I can’t even remember if opening prayer had been said.

 I was late and unprepared …it had never happened before and I didn’t know what exactly had gone wrong this time. Did they run out of church? Was the couple allergic to pictures? They didn’t wed in the hall did they?

There was no time to analyze as I kept reeling out the names but just then Mr. Chairman…who I later found out was an ex-commissioner took the microphone from me and announced in Yoruba that he would take over from me. He went on to ask the crowd if I was sure I knew what I was doing.

 How could I be recognizing the presence of people when I had failed to recognize the presence of an ex vice president…..did you say WHAT?

Yep! I cringe as I write it myself because that’s basic compere 101.

I was mortified, wanted the ground to open up and swallow me but the ground was on vacation from swallowing people that day.

Anyway the dignitaries at that wedding were so many….ex-governors, ex- presidential and gubernatorial aspirants, commissioners… just name it.

Chairman took over and sorted all that out, I didn’t handle much again till much later during the program and at the end of the event, I ran away faster than you could say honeymoon.

The couple didn’t care, they were actually overwhelmed by the whole wedding palaver but I was disappointed in myself.

 If I had come earlier it would not have been so.

 I would have noticed the persons there, I would have been alert, I would have bonded with Mr. Chairman and we would have worked as a team.

 I would have bla bla bla bla….all water under the bridge because I came late…genuine reason or NOT! *sigh*

That was the day I made a firm resolve NEVER AGAIN to arrive late to an event I had been contracted for even if it meant waiting for everyone to arrive. I also learnt that day to make it a point of duty to ask specifically if there were any dignitaries coming, ask for people’s titles and profiles and study the guest list better than I studied for Biochemistry in UNIBEN (story for another day).

I have since handled weddings and events with high profile guests, high net-worth individuals and government officials.

 Indeed on December 31^st 2011, I handled a wedding where an ex-president was the chairman and several ex-government officials were also in attendance. Their former offices were so sensitive I had to warn myself to resist the urge to crack some temptingly obvious but sensitive jokes… for example the ex director general of PHCN was there on the high table….aha! I had so much to say but I held my tongue….Lol! But they all came over after the event to say I did a great Job.

 I would have taken a picture with Mr. President oh but he came late and I was still suffering from Photophobyapathy and celebphobathy that time: these are two diseases which plagued me for so many years but Hallelujah, God delivered me in January 2012 …full gist about the diseases and symptoms in another entry but for now, this is the story of my worst experience on this job I love so much and how it has made me better at it.  

Can you relate? If so, do share please.

Innovations from Japan

Not a bad idea ...Agege bread sellers and lovers take note!

Wow..makes sense, give me a dozen

Looks like a plan.... for a compere someborri 

Athink!..considering d investment

This is sad...give it to your wicked single female boss.

No!!! this can't be right...which baby complained?

I'd rather give the nose away 

My uncle is an importer which one should we bring for you peeps and how many dozens?

Hilarious...Enjoy!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and these are things people actually said in court, word for  word, taken down and now published by court stenographers who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Question: What is your date of birth?

Response: July 15th.

Question: What year?

Response: Every year.

_____________________________

Question: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Response: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

__________________________________

Question: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Response: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Question: How long has he lived with you?

Response: Forty-five years.

______________________________________

Question: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

Response: He said, "Where am I Doris?"

Question: And why did that upset you?

Response: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

Question: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Response: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________

Question: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Response: He's twenty.

___________________________________

Question: Were you present when your picture was taken?

____________________________________

Question: So the date of conception (of the baby)was August 8th?

Response: Yes.

Question: And what were you doing at that time?

_____________________________

Question: She had three children, right?

Response: Yes.

Question: How many were boys?

Response: None.

Question: Were there any girls?

_____________________________

Question: How was your first marriage terminated?

Response: By death.

Question: And by whose death was it terminated?

__________________________________

Question: Can you describe the individual?

Response: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Question: Was this a male or a female?

_____________________________________

Question: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Response: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Question: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Response: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Question: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Response: Oral.

____________________________________

Question: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Response: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Question: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

Response: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

___________________________________

Question: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

____________________________________

AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!

Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Response: No.

Question: Did you check for blood pressure?

Response: No.

Question: Did you check for breathing?

Response: No.

Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Response: No.

Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Response: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Question: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Response: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.