Hilarious

A geology professor stood before her class and poured a pile of rocks and stones into a large cylinder. She asked the students if the jar was full, and they all agreed that it was. 

The professor smiled slyly, then poured a bag of smaller pebbles into the cylinder, which settled neatly into the open areas between the stones. She again asked the students if the cylinder was full, and they agreed, yes, now it was. 

Next, the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the cylinder. When she asked the students if it was full, they said, yes, at last it was. Finally, she opened a bottle of beer, poured it into the cylinder and watched it fill the glass to the brim. “So,” she asked the class, “what lesson did we learn from this?” 

From the back of the room, a student answered,

 “There’s always room for beer!”

Chigo says...If I see this joke on twitter as an Akpos joke I will shoot somebody!!!....Lol!

Conversation of the day

@ A cosmetics shop

Very excited Sales Girl: "Aunty this is the reigning cream now...just buy this cream and it will all be over...that will be the end!!"

Customer: "HA!!! The end of what?"

Me a.k.a "waka pass": Gbam!!! Please help me to ask her. 

Meanwhile I heard this gist of a devastated young girl who ran into a cosmetics shop weeping because she was passed over after an audition because she was not light skinned and she wanted the shop owner to help her with any product or bouquet of products that would fix the problem permanently changing her from Mercy Johnson "ish" to Monalisa tinnsss. ...smh. 

Where do I even begin to start from? How do you reject someone because of the colour of her skin? 

Racism  inside Nigeria again???

No mention of skills there. I have always said that some Nolly wood producers just need babes that can show skin and then you are hired. Appreciation of verbs and tenses or not.

Then the solution is to paint yourself white??? Assuming I was the shop owner i would have just written her a prescription for Hydrogen peroxide. Drink it, wash your clothes with it, bathe with it and your life will NEVER remain the same. That limelight you seek shall surely come ya way. 

It is well. If we don't bleach our skin who will?

Much Ado About A Kim...

Different opinions coming out about Kim K's visit to Nigeria and I honestly want to say: Naija don't hate appreciate! Let's all work hard so someone will pay us too for something...even if its something they can't quite lay their fingers on....Lol!

 And Yes I do not think that number of people would have come out to see "Love like a Movie" if they didn't think Kim would be there. Admit it if you attended. Why did you really attend? 

Once again peeps don't hate appreciate. 

If it is easy go and do the things she does to build her brand. Go and shoot ya own porn movie. Cossy Orjiakor has removed her clothes tire!!! Why dem no bring am? If it is easy do your own.  

No jokes! Just being objective, I have watched the Kardashians for a while now and I can see they put a lot of work into what they do. I didn't appreciate it enough until I watched one season of celebrity apprentice recently.... So Donald Trump was mean to Khloe (Kim's sister...the one married to the basketball player) and he fired her in a very unflattering manner for something totally unrelated to the task. He fired her cos he found out she had community service for driving under the influence of alcohol 1-2 yrs before the show and he made her look really bad for it in the process. 

By the next season of apprentice, Kim's perfume was one of the products to be featured on a task and Mr. Trump spoke in glowing terms of Khloe.... Round of applause for whoever their PR agent is...oh wait its Kris Jenner their mum! I have to hand it to Kim's mum, she works very hard to promote her kids and build this their empire. You will not appreciate it unless you are one of the millions of  talented people who walk this earth and you seek even a crack of opportunity in a window to express your talent to the world.

Don't get me wrong, I don't support nudity, divorce, pregnancy or sex outside marriage (all things Kim) and I honestly would have done far more excellently as a compere than Kim * i am too confident about that, anyone out there can take me up on it if they are in doubt*  but hey who knows me? 

Would I have attracted that crowd for Dare having obviously invested so much of his cash into the event? Heck No ...not by February 2013. *Maybe sometime in the future. wink!* 

So Kim did the job and got back on a plane. Good for her. Great for Dare. 

The vexation for most people now is the 500k. Who do we blame for the 500k? Lol! Nigerians of course!! Famous for prioritizing the wrong things. If I told those sponsors to bring that money to help research the cure for even head ache now ....dem no for answer me oh. 

Or is it Lagos state govt.? I'm assuming the money must have been loose change from Lekki toll gate. Lol!  And someone asked "why didn't they bring Alicia Keys or Adelle etc"? Mscheww!! My question is why do we even need these foreigners to validate our home grown event?  Naija has got talent oh. But our minds will not allow us place value, cultivate,support and grow our own hence the barrage of foreigners living like kings here while Nigerians live like beggars in their own land then save, scratch and borrow to go get themselves validated by stamps on their passports. If Dare had said Genevieve was the person coming or even Sade Adu...come and go and see hissing!!!  The AC in Eko hotel would have blown even Dare himself away cos no one would have shown up. This same Dare they abused for the way he sings and his kind of music, now see hailing...don't let me get started on Nigerians oh. See their reaction to Super eagles' victory or is it Goldies's death? Mscheww!

Nigerians can be great oh but very hypocritical at times including my own very self. We cant help it but God will help us....Lol!

Oh well... bla bla bla. I'm tired of analyzing, If we are wise we will learn early and plan ahead in this country but No!!! we will just continue importing everything.... even entertainment. If you can watch a Nigerian TV station for one straight hour without switching channels on DSTV put your hands up .... Tell me better story o jareee . 

Its a vicious cycle I'm not interested in watching. As for me... ama keep working hard so my name will attract crowds someday too not just in Nigeria but beyond. 

Don't be intimidated ....be inspired!...as one of BB contacts would update whenever she sees something that wants to shake her ...Lol! 

If its too late for you, learn the lessons and teach your kids so they can catch up faster, find them selves on time and make a great living doing what they love (hopefully making a porn tape wont be on the list) Peace Out!

Unsocially Social

At the end of Val’s day: February 14 2013, Linda Ikeji broke the news that Goldie had passed on and that Denrele called her… bla  bla check the rest on her blog.
 

Then I moved to twitter and of course the world had gone viral with the news. I was upset because only recently my friend lost her very dear uncle and none of her siblings called to tell her or even sent a text to her. She just woke up to find that they had all changed their BBM display pictures and their status messages were all kinds of bidding him farewell.

 Rude shock is an understatement.

What a way to find out that someone so dear to you has gone finally by death.

 I think it’s cold, insensitive and adds to the pain.

They don’t even give you a moment to grieve or say goodbye, but *sigh* that’s the reality of the age we live today.

 If this had happened 10 years ago they would have had to run to the newspaper house who would then decide if it was worth printing that morning or the next day but today we have gone digital, we have gone social.

Sometimes it’s great, sometimes… not so much! And this feels like one of those times.

 I guess Denrele called Linda as his friend then Linda couldn’t resist, she put it up *bloggers instinct*.

 Nevertheless it just seemed so cold and thoughtless to me.

 Would I have behaved differently in their shoes? I don’t know. All I know is that sometimes I tell myself if I put half of the gist I am privy to on this blog or at the speed of some other blogs then this blog would have a billion hits by now and yes I might not have any friends left.

 How much is too much publicity on this social media of a matter? You guys tell me.

 May the Lord console Goldie’s people and grant them the fortitude to bear this sad loss Amen.

 For what its worth, my dad is a huge Big Brother fan and he loved Goldie too. Sleep tight dear girl...gone too soon.

Romance is a Nigerian..True Valentine stories as promised

 

So how was your Valentine’s day? As one of my friends referred to it… Valentine Smelentine!!! Or something like that. You know that when a chic starts talking like that, she is not seeing anyone at the moment! No offense love.

 Ok so like I said this time I would love to feature stories of nice things that happened to ordinary people on Valentine’s day to showcase that Yes! there is still true love out there, the kind that actually gives and not just keeps saying things like “Every day is Valentine’s day” and “Valentine’s day is for showing love to everyone including orphans”!!! I hear you sir Mscheww!

 So to ordinary girl one…. a photographer engaged to an engineer/architect kinda someborri got an ipad, I didn’t get exact details on how it was presented but It is an Ipad 4 and that’s all we need to know for now…Lol!

 Then to ordinary girl 2….. her husband surprisingly drove her to a hotel after work (they drive to and fro work on the island together) so instead of driving her home he just drove her straight to this really cool hotel  on the island that has a spa, pool etc …the works…she was blown away. He made arrangements for their baby to stay with one of their mums so she was totally at peace and lost in love.*sigh*

 To ordinary girl 3….. Event planner married to an artiste got a BB Z10 and jewelry….HAAALLLLOOOO!!! do you really need to add anything else to the Z10? This should be in the region of A++++++.

 Anyway I feel it’s my responsibility to write this note to guys….you should know by now that when you want to give a woman a gift you need to give it in phases or else the bar will keep going higher.

The guy that has given Z10 and jewelry now (I don’t want to call his name you guys know him he is an artiste but I didn’t take permission I have chosen to be an ethical blogger) where are you going to go from here?

By next valentine’s day you need to do something bigger and by your 60^th valentine you must have bought her a yacht and a jet…anyway that’s story for another day.

 On to the next babe

This one took her man on a trip to some exotic country I have forgotten the name…or was it Dubai? Not too sure. It’s also his birthday a significant age so they went there and she bedazzled him . There were talks of towels engraved with his name…and planning with hotel staff to blow his mind with personalized service but I’m  not sure if that all happened right now cos she has gone incommunicado as you can imagine. Anyway she also had his surprise Z10 neatly tucked away to present to him  I’m guessing on her knees with something exciting on or NOT!!! And her beautiful long procured  weave cascading around her shoulders  with a perfectly made up face and manicured nails bowing to him in total submission.  Ah! yes…The new “average Nigerian” man’s dream wife!!!submissive, imaginative, HOT and can afford to surprise him with a Z10 and not a dime from him involved in the surprise.

 On to the next babe as usual her boyfriend of 2 years picked her up from home to drop her off at work (they both work on  the island) as usual she falls asleep…snoring lightly, no drooling yet wait till you have had a baby or two then you can switch to drooling…she wakes up when she gets to her stop and VOILA!!!! Her gift in a bag…I believe it was a hot dress which she ran into the office and changed into as well as the shoes and jewelry. As in... yes she alighted from the car in a separate outfit but in the next 30 minutes she had changed into a completely different ensemble head to toe from her man to her on valentine's day. *The word "Gushing" does not do justice to the situation*

 What are you talking? If I hear ANYBODY say Nigerian men are not romantic ama set Festus Keyamo, Sahara Reporters and EFCC on you!!!

As if that was not enough, when he came to pick her in the evening he recieved her into the car with chocolates and took her to a "10 star" hotel in Ikoyi hint * most snobbish..... and expensive hotel in Ikoyi* for dinner Ahem! guys once again I’m not a hater….but y’all need to layer these things what you gonna do when you marry her if you are doing all this one now? That is why women complain that you change when you marry…you exhaust all your weapons during the courtship …*rolling my eyes* Anyway they had a 3 course meal which she says and I quote “I don’t even know what we are eating but it’s delicious”….ROTFL!!!

The girl was just walking on Sunshine literally cos the hotel has the “sun” in its name. You dig?

 In all this I remember receiving my early morning Kiss when PDoc. was leaving in the morning and I remember he told me “Happy Valentine’s day. I love you” but I didn’t see him again till late in the evening. He went to work and then he had a preaching engagement somewhere….. for those of you who are new to this:…P is for “Pastor” and  Doc. Of course is short for Doctor. He is a psychiatrist and he is my husband.

 So by the time he returned in the evening, the Valentine was over. He said he had reservations for us to go eat out at his friend’s restaurant but let’s say it together…I don’t eat late!! So we pushed it to another day. I gave him his card. Pdoc loves cards. me...not so much...just copy the words to BBM and send it to me. Save yourself the trouble and me the storage.

This worked for me cos I didn’t feel up to any outing AT ALL…. I was very blessed health wise so I spent Vals day in bed with my drugs *sad face* I feel much better thanks.

Do you want to share your extraordinarily special Val’s day experience with us or do you want to give a shout out to someone special? Or even propose …whatever! As far as its romantic, just send me the details and the gist. I help thee blog it. What are friends for?

Tough Love

 

So for Valentine’s day, my daughter’s school  said I should give my daughter a gift cos she picked Wendy *not real name* to be her “val”.

 This was in addition to bringing a love feast food item and wearing an outfit that had red, pink and white They didn’t write the word “or” anywhere so my house helps insisted we put all the colors on her to avoid school trouble …I was too tired to argue… so they did. The girl looked like a female Christmas tree on her way out on valentine’s day morning  if you can imagine what that  would look like.

 So back to the gift…. Honestly off the top of my head I planned to give her two hair pins that had flowers on them from my collection to give the  Wendy girl.

 Hallooo!!! What is their own with val’s day and how much does she earn to want to give Wendy a gift…. bla bla bla…. I was going my stingy mum route…. that’s what PDoc. calls me when I start like that….Why should we do party pack for her  birthday when it falls on a school day? Why should the school ask me to buy her a rabbit, a guitar, a violin, bring bouncing castle, do T-shirts for the kids???…. bla bla bla…the school is great God knows they have turned my daughter’s life around but you know great has its own price tag!

 So I got talking with one of my friends whose son picked a “val” as well.  “What are you giving your son to give his val?” I asked….. very absentmindedly I might add

 She then said she was going to close early from work and go and buy the val boy an outfit as in shirt and trouser…AH!! I panicked went full gear into stingy mum mode….”What are you doing? You people are the ones ,making life difficult for other mums putting us on high jump”…bla bla bla I shrieked on.

 She says” Haba!! it’s nothing now, a full outfit will cost like just 1,500 naira now that’s not too much”.. then I begin to think honestly I must really be a crazy, stingy mum.

 

So I get home in the evening to meet PDoc. planning to take our daughter out to buy Wendy’s gift because short of pulling out  a gun, she had held the man to ransom…. give me valentine gift my father or they will embarrass me in school tomorrow oooooooo!!!!

 The man was in panic mode himself…Ah! these teachers are goooooodddd put fire on the kids so they transfer the fire to their parents and this is not even about world peace…smh!!!.

 Anyway I told him not to worry, I go into my securely hidden “Ghana must go” of unused treasured items for the kids, bring out a complete set of brand new precious, sacred white underwear, ribbons for hair and hairpins, put them into a lovely chiffon bag and package it like Wendy is Kate Winslet herself and as I pack it into my daughter’s bag, I pray to God that Wendy or whoever picked my daughter’s name gives her a Range Rover even if it’s the mini type that David Beckham’s children drive…its far better than rolling tyre down the streets of Lagos!!!

 Meanwhile one of my house-helps who also goes to school used the opportunity to speak …”Aunty they said I should bring gift too oh… I picked one boy like that, though I did not want to pick him I wanted to pick my friend Chi Chi” *also not real name* …at this point I had no energy to speak…I just stretched out my hand and gave her a copy of a Tuface Cd that I got for free at an Airtel event in 2012….I  had been wondering what I would do with it. It has finally gone to a noble cause. I believe this was its destiny…To whom it may concern.

 So school is over…my baby comes home. No Range Rover in sight. Same old school bus.

No issues…. how about an invitation to tea with the queen? or Ok one Cinderella ball gown she can wear next Christmas? 

Nope! not today….searched the bag…not looking heavier than usual…

Aha! There it is…Alas you would never guess… Twas a cup…. A pink plastic  cup. Didn’t even have a straw attached!!! Just a cup. Nope not a magical cup, not a set of 3 or 4 or a set of 4 and a jug.

Just a plastic cup …. You read me right I said a plastic cup…pink …I refuse to take a picture of it…you might cry for me Argentina!

 

Even my house helps laughed at my expression of ……bewilderment!!!! Aha! that should be the perfect word for my reaction.

And I find myself thinking why don’t I have more friends like Wendy’s mum?

They really know what’s up!! These my friends are just Kardashians as far as I’m concerned  and they are not helping me at allllll.

That’s how one carried bouncing castle and clown to the school for her son’s birthday in the name of he is her only child for now and she works so hard so let her spend this money on him…..

 Now that’s what I call tough love!! The love is tough on the pocket!!! Haba! Mothers in Africa and diaspora am I alone here?

Calling All Lovers of Love

As Valentine approaches I say happy vals day to you all.

For all you “valentines” please do send in your stories on how you spent your valentine’s day and you can send a shout out to your loved one along with his/her picture.

In fact you can declare your true feelings for the very first time to that special someone right here. We are together all through valentine. Lets show love now that we can ;)

Quick Question....Forgiveness or Foolishness???

In case you don't know, let me break it down for you.

Chris Brown beat up Rihanna so much, she nearly lost some facial skin

Google the story, see more pictures below..

The world made a big fuss about it and they went their separate ways but time has brought them together again and after so much drama, they are together again with her very willingly cheering him on.

Quick Question:...Is this a lesson in forgiveness? or Is she being foolish?

See the wounds this guy gave her.

Some relationships and indeed marriages have crashed on less biko.

Finger did not even touch Kim Kardashian!!!...Not even a pinch





 

Delivered from Cervical Cancer....

 

I recieved this mail just this morning from a lady who wishes to share her testimony with readers of this blog. Lets Praise God with her for what He has done in her life....

On Friday the 1^st of February 2013, I was off to see one of my clients. I was about an hour and half early for the visit, so I decided to kill time than arrive there too early and look totally jobless. My driver, a junior colleague and I were on the streets of Surulere. Suddenly I noticed a banner for a free breast & cervical cancer screening. Wow! I thought. What an amazing way to kill time, seeing I have always wanted to go for a screening…just to know, nothing more.

So the driver pulled over and my colleague (a lady) and I went in. When it was my turn, the physical examination was done for my breasts and they said it was fine…I smiled(before nko?). Then the Nurse proceeded to check my cervix. The gynaecologist then stepped in. They both looked at my cervix and said the result was positive. Positive! What is the meaning of that? I asked. The gynaecologist said I’ve got abnormal cells in my cervix and need to start treatment immediately before it turns to full blown cancer. Suddenly, my world just stopped. Cancer? How? When? Who? Me?  

Please continue...

Who is easier to trust?

Who is easier to trust, a guy who is always attracted to one spec of babes or a guy who is attracted to a variety: tall, short, dark, light???

 

I ask this question because I have been watching one guy now for a while, and every babe he has is different as he changes them.

 

So I wonder!!

My Anniversary Treat...2

 

I truly apologize for delaying this gist so much.

Events overtook each other *9ja grammar*

 So where was I???…yes at the Spa….I went in and they asked me to take off all my clothes plus my spectacles…*sigh* I knew I should have worn contact lenses for the matter.

They gave me a huge white towel, asked me to take a shower and handed me a tiny bar of Imperial leather soap *double sigh* I should have taken my own soap .

 While approaching the shower area there were bursts of welcome from the Spa ladies to guess who??? Kefee the gospel artiste…AhA! That explained the multiple camera men and crew people I saw all over the lobby earlier…didn’t I read somewhere that she is doing a new video?

 I couldn’t see her clearly…. seeing as I had left my glasses in the locker and sealed it with my other belongings.

 So I proceeded into the shower stall and she entered into the next one.

 Trust yours truly, I said hi, and we got talking then we proceeded for our full body massages.

 News Flash she was very pleasant, humble and not snobbish AT ALL…Good for her.

 So the full body massage…was like a full body beating!!!…only more gentle because it was done by soft, smooth female palms.

 At a point I could have sworn there were 10 people doing the massage.

 Anyways it left me floating and relaxed… then I floated back into the shower wishing I didn’t have to wash off whatever it is they used to massage me…… it was so sweet smelling and generally …. on my skin.

 Moved to Sauna where heat been wan keee me. Then to the steam room (there is no difference…one is dry heat and the other is wet heat… but the girl said I should try everything and so I did).

 I was too tired to do the Jacuzzi so I had my 4^th shower in 1 hour and left there understanding why some people have all those things in their homes.

 No. 1) it would be so much more fun if you had your spouse or friend with you in there.

 No. 2) When you are through, you really do not feel like wearing all those clothes and walking out again, you just want to fly on your bed and sleep or do other activities people do in bed…like eat ice-cream or watch TV..Hehehe!!

 

So I went back to the room where PDoc was waiting for me. I thanked him for the experience and he asked me if I wanted dinner and I said no because I do not eat after 7 (part of the weight watch thingy) then he turned on the TV and turned out the lights and…. *whispers* This is where we break for commercials!!… (LOL! Deroju I know you are screaming now….ROTFL)

 

MY Anniversary Treat ...part 1

On Thursday I got a BBM from PDoc. inviting me to come away with him on the 2nd of February 2013. That i should pack a swim suit, gym clothes and some other items which I cannot reveal here...(my parents might read it). 

So Saturday Morning, I packed my stuff and waited for him and he took me into the car, bought fuel and started driving round and round and round and he kept muttering to himself ...Holy Spirit what do I do next oh??? I should have blindfolded her....no time! no time...By this time i figured we were going somewhere not too far from our home cos we were generally driving around my local government area ...LOL! 

Anytime we got near a hotel he would start trafficating. I nearly had a heart attack once or twice cos some of those hotels....I rest my case.

 Anyway he finally drove into a particular nice recreation and spa center not too far from my house. we could have easily strolled there...haba. We checked in, then went out to yet another lovely restaurant in the heart of our side of town (not eatery oh...there's a difference LOL) had a sumptuous meal which I ate very well. (All weight watching reflexes flew out the window). Then we  returned to the room and I went for my session at the SPA....*yawn* I'm tired of typing...check back for update on the spa and the celebrity I had the session with.....

Happy Birthday Pator Sam Adeyemi

 

Today is my pastor's birthday: Reverend Sam Adeyemi. 

A wonderful man, words cannot describe. 

You will not appreciate  people like him fully until you have a need for someone like him. 

I bless God for him and I pray the Lord increases him 

and raises even more men like him in the body of Christ. 

  Happy Birthday sir. 

More Grace

Happy Anniversary to PDoc & I

To the Glory of God, today is my wedding anniversary (February 3rd). 
 6 wonderful years with my best friend of 15 years. Its been a delicious 6 years and it keeps getting sweeter. I remember my wedding day, when all the guests left and my parents said goodbye, entered their car and drove away.

 It was only he and I left standing and I had a moment's panic attack...Oh MY GOD! I'm left alone with this guy.

In that split second, all the euphoria of planning a wedding washed away, the wedding was over, I was a married woman now and the new life had started...OMG!!!.
...Then a wave of relief swept over me when I looked at him and remembered all the reasons why I said "I do". He hasn't changed...still kind, gentle, tolerant and above all a lover of God and Men.

He "wife"napped me yesterday for an anniversary treat, I am blogging from the very location *wink*....stay tuned for the gist.